


Deep Dive

by stringinstruments



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Hospitalization, M/M, Mentions of Drowning, Phan - Freeform, Sad, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 13:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19426615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stringinstruments/pseuds/stringinstruments
Summary: He is often pulled back into the muddy darkness of his head, stuck swimming around in the black goo, unable to find a way out. Sometimes he swims for hours, searching for a shallower spot or a spot to get out and dry himself off, to try walk away from the pool. Other times he’s in there for mere minutes before his body fails him and he sinks further and further away from the surface, drowning in his own thoughts before he can stop himself.Today was one of those days.Dan's depressed and can't get out, but luckily Phil's there to be his lifesaver.





	Deep Dive

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WORK OF FICTION CONTAINS MULTIPLE TRIGGERS  
> Including depression, self harm, hospitalisation and mentions of drowning. Please stay safe and don't read if these trigger you!
> 
> I stayed up too late to write this, please excuse any errors one may find. And enjoy!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @downwardsdimple

He is often pulled back into the muddy darkness of his head, stuck swimming around in the black goo, unable to find a way out. Sometimes he swims for hours, searching for a shallower spot or a spot to get out and dry himself off, to try walk away from the pool. Other times he’s in there for mere minutes before his body fails him and he sinks further and further away from the surface, drowning in his own thoughts before he can stop himself.

It had been awhile since he had last visited it. He had been able to lock it away for the most of the month, focusing on other things and his busy life. He did not even dare to even think about the void that lay deep in his head for fear of getting stuck and not being able to reemerge.

Instead, he had been clinging onto his personal lifesaver, hoping he would be there next to the pool, watching out for him next time he couldn’t find his way out.

Today was one of _those_ days.

He felt it when he woke up. The room was dark, empty except his body laying in his bed. Already the exhaustion of the day was wearing on him, lulling him to shut his eyes again and go back to the place where he didn’t have to think about anything, ever. Wonderful sleep, his only escape. He could feel that muddiness surrounding his head, slowly casting his day as a write off.

“ _Dan, you awake?_ ”

The soft voice of Phil on the other side of his bedroom door pulled him back from his slumber, pulling him from that gooey darkness. There he was, his personal lifesaver. Everything was a little bit brighter with Phil, even if it was just his voice shining through the cracks of his depression. Or the door opening, spilling a little bit of light in from the hallway, the black haired male poking his head in.

“I just got back from Tesco, I bought you some cereal… just think someone stole the rest in the middle of the night? Anyway, I thought we could have breakfast together…”

Dan smiled at him, making an attempt at moving to get up from his monochrome covers.

“Alright, you spoon. I’ll be out in a bit.”

Dan was sitting at the side of the pool, Phil watching him from afar. He almost felt like dangling his legs in, letting it overtake him little by little as he got ready for the day. It was too easy to dive in and let it take over, ruin your day. He would often slip off the edge and before he even knew it he’d be emerged deep, staying under the covers all day and giving in to his broken brain.

Phil was already sat on the couch, watching an episode of The Great British Bakeoff (it was always on at the most convenient time, seemed to be on whenever they had breakfast, no matter the time. Or maybe Phil had a disc or something, if those even existed, but Dan was always suspicious). There was a bowl of cereal waiting for Dan, full to the brim with the delicious crunches of a freshly opened packet.

But as he sat next to his friend, he could feel himself sink a little bit deeper.

But when Phil grasped his knee, excitedly exclaiming something about a contestants baking (Dan didn’t know, he wasn’t paying attention to anything at this stage but his own mental state), he rose a little bit higher, took his leg out of the goo and looked up at his lifesaver who was watching him intently from the lifesaver chair.

Dan grasped that hand with all his might.

He grasped Phil’s bowl of cereal with his empty hand and placed it on the coffee table, to envelope the man into a massive hug, burying his face in the crook of Phil’s next, trying his hardest to stay emotionally stable on the outside.

“Dan? What’s gotten into you?” He heard Phil exclaim, amid a bit surprised.

“’s cold is all,” Dan murmured, squeezing Phil a little too tightly.

“I’ll put the fire on?” Phil offered, but Dan felt him return the hug, squeezing the brunette back.

“’s okay,” Dan continued softly. Sometimes all he needed was Phil, because sometimes his feelings for the man would overtake his depressive thoughts and he could only focus on one when his heart was beating crazy fast, trying to break free of his chest. But sometimes he thought about how Phil always returned his affections, but he wondered if it went further, what would happen? Would he end up as far away from his pool or sink even deeper?

By internet browsing position time that night, Dan was treading water. Once he was in the pool it got harder and harder to stay afloat, from pure exhaustion of keeping up for hours on end, but also because the black goo was thick and sinking was much easier than staying afloat. It was so easy to just give in to it. Sinking was much more appetising than battling the waves, especially the rougher ones that took you deeper and deeper down.

Dan rubbed his eyes, trying to focus on the job at hand. Browsing the internet at ungodly hours of the morning.

But the screen was so bright in his dark room, with the added burning eyes to the inner head torment, it was too much, so he closed his laptop screen.

Instead, he paced his room for twenty minutes, talking gibberish to himself, _it’s okay, you’re alright, don’t think about it, you better just go to sleep anyway, hey, stop thinking about it,—_

At some point he stopped to scratch at his arms a little bit, anything for some distraction. It was something new he had taken up recently much to his distaste. He often thought about bringing out a blade but when he had such a large following online, anything would be detrimental if his viewers saw scars on his arms. Scratching left those satisfying red marks, didn’t leave anything too bad, unless you went too hard. It left a sting and was easy to cover up with a long sleeve, and best of all, would be gone in the morning.

It was a good distraction for all of twenty seconds. But then he sunk back in, further than before.

_Phil_.

He left his dark room, knocked twice on Phil’s bedroom door. He heard a muffled, “yeah?”

“Heater’s dead in my room, mind if I chill in here for a bit?” He said, slipping into the older man’s room.

Phil was lazing on his bed, reading a book, glasses on and hair a crow’s nest mess. It made Dan’s heart skip a beat.

He slipped into the empty side of Phil’s bed, because Phil never minded (no matter how wonky his excuse was).

“I was actually just about to hit the hay.” Phil shrugged, putting the book down.

“I’ll just stay a little, to get warm.” Dan offered, shrugging back and throwing the bed cover over his body.

“‘kay.” Phil continued, taking his glasses of, light turning off and making himself comfy under the covers. With two bodies under a cover, Dan was sure to get warm in no time. But before he could find himself leaving, a soft snore startled him. Phil was definitely gone, snoring lightly beside him, so he settled back into the covers, watching his friend sleep next to him.

By this point, he was latching onto the edge. He could take a breather. All he had to think about was Phil.

By morning come, Dan was absolutely exhausted. He had not dared to sleep, scared to be caught by Phil (“ _Dan you have your own bed_ ”), or to escape the focus he had captured of relief from his head. And besides, once looking at a sleeping Phil, one could not simply look away.

But he had left around 6am, afraid that Phil would wake early (though neither of them usually woke until around lunch time). But his anxiety about being caught got the better of him, and he emerged back into his dark room and into the deep, dark pool. He managed a restless nap before he was woken from a knock on his bedroom door at around 11:45am. He rolled over in the bed.

All he could see was a deep darkness and he could not focus on anything but the downwards pull in his head. It was deep. And very dark. It was the part he had been trying to stay away from, diving downwards to the bottom of the pool where one could only find all their insecurities, past failures, not a will to think of a single happy thing.

But he was also being shaken. Something grasping him in the pool, but it was too dark to look back and see anything at all.

By the time they had finished breakfast/lunch (“Dan you hardly touched your cereal?” “Not that hungry…”), Phil had left him, busy filming a new video. Dan sat on the couch, staring at his increasingly soggy cereal (“well, okay, I’ll leave it here with you if you feel like eating it later…”).

He was absolutely gone. And it felt bad. This could last weeks, if he didn’t find his way out. The black goo was thick, like layers and layers of weights piled on his body and impossible to lift off, leaving him drowning at the bottom of a very deep pool.

It was suddenly 5pm.

And he was still staring at his cereal.

Oh, and Phil had re-emerged. And he was worried. It took saying Dan’s name five times before his attention got shifted to the worried man in front of him.

“Dan, have you sat here all day? What’s wrong? How can I help?” The words rushed from Phil’s mouth, keen to help Dan in any way.

Dan stared at him in minor shock, before giving a reply. “Oh, um, no?” He offered, trying to calm the other man’s panic.

Phil saw right through his lie. “Is it one of those days again? Oh, I should have known it when you turned down the cereal…” Phil took a seat next to Dan before bundling the brunette up in a hug.

“’s okay…” Dan murmured, appreciating the warmth coming from the other man’s body. He was having a little bit of trouble accessing the situation.

“No it’s not… I want to help you.” Dan stared at the soggy cereal. Phil’s words sat in his brain for a bit. Then he started crying.

But it was a good cry. He got some feelings out which needed to be disposed of, and he emerged further to the surface of the pool a little. But when Phil deemed that Dan get some rest, and they parted ways, Dan felt the cool tiles of the pool touch his back again.

It was the next day when he didn’t get out of bed at all. When he was down the very bottom, he liked to sleep it away and pretend it never happened, until eventually he woke up and felt better.

Phil knew this because he had seen it happen before, multiple times.

The next day he woke up at 12pm exactly. There was light coming in his room. Phil had been in and opened the blinds, and the windows in fact. The room was a bit chilly.

But it wasn’t until 4pm when Dan, who had managed to make his way out into the living area of the flat, saw Phil walking through the door with some milkshakes and sweet snacks. Dan beamed at him when he saw him, not because of the surprise snacks, but because Phil. There was no doubt he had made his way out of his room searching for him.

“I thought a Malteser milkshake would make you feel better,” Phil started, handing the shake to Dan, “I want to help you but I don’t know how, but I figured this would be a good start.”

“Thank you, Phil.” Dan smiled, really meaning the appreciation, the pair moving to laze on the couch.

He drank some of his milkshake - it was nice, but his mood still made food taste a little bland, so he put it on the coffee table. He would put it in the fridge for later, when he was feeling better and could appreciate it more. Phil saw this, stopped flicking through the TV channels, and gave Dan a worried glance.

“I really do want to help you, Dan.” He started, turning towards Dan. “I mean it. What can I do?” Phil looked desperate to help, a look which made Dan stare at his face for a little too long, before looking away, a faint blush on his cheeks.

“It’s okay Phil, really.” He shrugged. Dan didn’t really think there as a way to help him; these things he just had to wait out. Or get professional help, but he was in denial about it anyway.

“More hugs? Cuddles in bed?” Phil offered, smiling. _Oh shit_ , did he know about the other night? Dan bit his lip nervously. He knew Phil was only trying to help, trying to cheer his depressed best friend but, but it still made him incredibly nervous.

“Phil—“ “How about one right now?” Phil said, enveloping Dan in his arms on the couch, in a bear hug kind of way. Dan was tense, stiff in the arms of his best friend, but the rubbing on his back coaxed him into a tired lull. Eventually he gave up and his head drooped onto Phil’s shoulder. He could never hate a hug from Phil, no matter how awkward it could have really been.

“’s nice…” Dan murmured after awhile, taking in Phil’s scent. There was some motion in the water, like a searching arm. Dan closed his eyes.

“If you ever need something Dan, I’m here to help you, you know.” Phil once again offered quietly above Dan.

_I need everything from you_ , Dan thought, grasping onto Phil’s body like a lifeline.

“Coffee? Tea?” Phil started, starting to list typical feel good things.

_An endless support system_. The thought passed Dan’s mind.

“As many anime or movie marathons you need to feel better.” Phil continued, fiddling with little pieces of Dan’s hair at the back of his head.

_Someone to always be there for me_.

“So many bags of Maltesers we end up broke!”

“You.”

There was a silence that lasted for ten seconds. Phil’s motions stopped. Dan could feel himself go into cardiac arrest. It was another ten seconds before Phil stirred up a response.

“I’m here.” Phil murmured.

“I need you.” Dan blurted.

“I’ll always be here to help. I’m your best friend, Dan.”

Dan mustered up the courage in mere milliseconds, feeling like he’d pass out from the pace of his heart. Surely Phil could feel it, the two still tangled in a mess of limps as the TV played quietly in the background.

“Phil. I want you. In every way possible.” The silence that stood now doubled the silence from before.

Phil let go of Dan, Dan feeling a bit more colder and panicked out of the embrace.

“Huh?” Phil said, an intense look of confusion playing on his face. “What?”

Dan felt like he was tearing in two. At the same time, the surface he had been so rapidly approaching was also disappearing from his sight. But instead of letting himself sink back further, he grasped Phil’s face, hands on either side of his face. His determined chocolate brown eyes met Phil’s confused icy blue in an intense stare off.

“Phil, when I look at you, you’re like only sunshine that gets me up in the morning. I can’t imagine getting out of the bed without you knocking on my door, what would be the point? You’re literally my lifesaver Phil. At times when I think I can’t get up, you arrive and I somehow continue on with the day because of you. I choose not to die because I can’t bear not seeing your face everyday.”

Dan didn’t realise he had been holding his breath until he had finished this last sentence. Then, without any reaction from Phil, Dan took the dive and kissed him on the lips.

Dan didn’t expect it. He didn’t expect the resurface to the edge of the pool, the hands helping him out. But he didn’t expect to stand on the diving board and dive right back in, deeper into the depths of the black goo than he had ever been before. And he didn’t even get a chance to breath.

Because it was a slap to the face.

_Literally_.

Phil ran to his room, the door slamming shut and echoing all through the flat. And Dan sat there, confused, surprised, and eventually, possibly, more depressed than he had ever been.

It was the day after when Dan woke up at 6pm and felt absolutely done with it all. He already lost track of how long he had been feeling like this. Although today was a brand new sensation, his lungs where full of the black goo and no matter how much he tried to swim upwards nothing happened except for the further exhaustion of his muscles. The goo was overtaking his entire body.

But he knew it didn’t matter when he fiddled with a shaver and received a razor, sat on the lid of the toilet, determined to make some bloody marks on his thighs. He just wanted to feel really, super distracted for a little bit. And he meant, for a long time. Because he wanted to cut until there was no clear skin left.

He would do anything for a distraction from his own head.

He patted at the marks, and his fingers turned red. He hadn’t done this for a really long time. So long his past scars had healed over and were nearly invisible, but he was going to undo that entire process.

“Dan? You’ve been in there for a really long time…” He heard from the other side of the door, the usual worried voice of Phil Lester. Phil tried the door, it rattled, it was locked.

“Go away.” Dan managed in a husky voice, his body still ridden of sleep, gaze locked on his leg and the swift movement of his hand.

“No…no..” Phil managed, a thump on the other side of the door. “I saw the razor parts in your room, Dan. Please let me in.” Dan paused for a moment, watching the blood run down his leg.

“Dan, please, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have slapped you last night… I was just surprised.” Tears beaded in the corners of Dan’s eyes at the memory.

“Like SUPER surprised.” Another cut on the leg. “I always imagined if we ever kissed, it would be somewhere more romantic. Like, on a date, or something.”

Dan stopped mid swipe, tears steadily running down his face now. Was he hallucinating Phil? Imagining what he wanted to hear?

“Dan… please…” Is all he heard from the other side, a quiet whimper.

“What?” He called out, voice strained with emotion.

“Please let me in, Dan.” Phil’s voice sounded of pure agony, the rattle of the bathroom door with the weight of his body. Dan had dropped the razor on the floor. The pool goo was red now, pure blood, which felt thicker than before and all he could see was red.

Absolutely exhausted, Dan got up to open the door, but on his way he blacked out, hitting the tiles hard.

The buzz was the first thing he could hear when he came to. Next was the tight hold his hand was captured in, then the sting on his thigh, the sleepiness that overtook his body. Then, when he opened his eyes, the worried look of his best friend. Phil had been crying. His eyes where red and when he saw Dan wake up he cried harder. Then Dan cried.

“Phil…” He tried, but nothing came out but a wheeze. Phil leaned forward to capture the man in a hug, Dan’s head spinning at the movement, but welcome either way.

“Fuck, Dan…” Phil started once the embrace was over. He held Dan’s hand up to his face with both hands, grasping it like a lifeline. He couldn’t manage another word before he started to cry softly again. Dan’s heart was warmed by the emotion Phil displayed. The fact that someone could’ve been so worried for him made his tired heart beat.

Then he fell back asleep. When he woke back up, it was dark and Phil had fallen asleep, still clutching at his hand.

When he woke up again for the second time (unaware he had fallen asleep again), Phil was gone.

But there was a doctor. They accessed the situation. Dan was shown the bandages on his leg, and told of his concussion from his fall. He was also to be admitted to see a therapist later in the week, which he personally didn’t want to do but it was inevitable now.

Feeling like proper shit afterwards, finally his lifesaver came back. Whatever meds he was currently on where too strong for him to visit his personal pool. Every time he got close to it, he would pass out. He liked it. But thankfully, his lifesaver was still around.

“Hey.” Dan croaked out to him, giving him a slight smile.

“Hi.” Phil said somewhat hesitantly, sitting next to Dan again. He was hiding something behind his back, something familiar that rattled like Maltesers. As Phil sat down, he instantly started to fiddle with Dan’s fingers with his free hand.

“Phil, I—,”

“It’s okay, Dan. We’ll talk about it when we get home and you’re feeling better.” Phil offered, smiling and giving up on holding the chocolate treats behind his back. He put them on the small table next to Dan’s hospital bed. Dan nodded, a bit disappointed but also relieved. It might’ve been too much for him at once, and Dan was glad Phil noticed it and took charge. All he needed to do right now was rest and enjoy the sensation of Phil by his side.

It was a week later when the two men settled on the couch in their living room, everything quiet except for their nervous breathing. Dan was still very sore, his cuts taking all the time in the world to heal (he had no clue how he had managed to cut deep enough for stitches, the entire night was foggy and went over his head). He was sporting dark under eye shadows and was continuously tired, but less now that Phil was here again.

He had visited his swimming pool again. But it was shallower than before, like some of the water had been drained out. There was a sign on the front fence that stated “ _CLOSED FOR CLEANING_ ” which he couldn’t make sense of, but he felt better.

Phil took hold of his hand as Dan turned to face Phil on the couch. He bit his lip nervously.

“I have always liked you a little more than a friend, Dan.” Phil started, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile. He was trying to stay serious about the matter at hand, but he couldn’t help a little smile at the confession. “But I was never sure if you felt the same way, so I always kept it a secret.” He offered Dan a wary smile. Dan grasped Phil’s hands back.

“I thought I was obvious. Y’know.” Dan shrugged, and Phil laughed quite loudly.

“The sneaking into my room when your perfectly fine heater broke? I always went with it because even if I didn’t believe it, I liked having you there. I wanted you to lay in my bed with me.” Phil said, going red at the confession.

Dan smiled wide, for the first time in awhile. At his pool, he was waiting for Phil to clock out. The pool was entirely empty and Dan stood as far away from it as he could.

“Phil…” He croaked out, smiling, his dimples showing. Phil took hold Dan’s face with his hands, mimicking Dan from the night last week, his thumbs brushing against Dan’s cheeks. Their faces where close, Dan could take in the closeness of his friend’s face without feeling ashamed of his feelings.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked, gaze not breaking from Dan’s for a second.

“Please.” Dan murmured back, and then it was lips on lips and hands around each other’s necks, feeling closer than they had ever been before. Nothing but Dan grasping at his lifesaver, desperate to stay alive and not drown. When they finally parted, they rested their foreheads together. Phil’s hand traced down Dan’s neck, his shoulder and made it’s way to his hand. Then Phil’s face lit up, in a mischievous but caring way.

“Have you taken your meds yet today?” He asked softly and Dan laughed so loud, louder than he had all year.

“I will, _Dad_.” He rolled his eyes, leaning back in pure amusement and grasping at Phil’s hands.

As they got up to find Dan’s meds hand in hand, (“I just want to make sure you’re feeling better! I want the best for you, Dan.”), Dan could feel himself walking through the pool gates with his lifesavers hand in his, not daring to look back at the empty pool. He couldn’t see much ahead of him, the scary darkness of the unknown, and sometimes he may even have a quick visit back, but he knew he would get better with Phil by his side. And if he wasn’t feeling too good, he knew where to go.

And if he practiced floating on his back in the black goo, it was easier to get out. But for now, he was on a beach with Phil, the water a shining clear blue, and it could only get better.


End file.
